I’m Sorry

I have an aversion to problems.

I see someone’s struggle and say, “Stay away from me,” instead of, “Let me love you.”

Like most of my aversions, it’s because I’m scared. I fear that problems are contagious. No. I fear that their stigma is. I dread being associated with bad behavior, obvious selfishness. And how selfish of me!

That stigma…

Where does it come from? I know it. I live it. I join the collective movement to decide what’s good. Then we tell other people the rules and tear down those who don’t follow them – the ones who don’t admit that they’re struggling through life but who obviously are. Like me.

Except somewhere it becomes individual instead of collective. Each of us has our own interpretation of this supposed collective judgment. So each of us is fighting to appear to follow different rules. The rules break down – they aren’t universal and they aren’t even right. And most of all, no one wins.

We want control and security and self-assurance. We think the only way is to measure everyone else and elevate ourselves, however undeservingly. Then we will be safe. But we’re alone and vulnerable and more scared.

So I’m sorry. I’m sorry for avoiding the attention-seekers and love-wanters. I’m sorry for judging the controllers and the fearful ones. I am all of you. And we need each other.

Don’t we know that problems, struggles aren’t even problems? They’re merely an indication of our needs. And what we need most of all is relationship.

Despite our desire to separate right from wrong, we must become magnets, traveling to draw each of us together, bond each of us closely. Hope and love are the remedy to our fear, and hope and love can only happen in relationship. Let’s stop this isolation, this façade-life, this outlook of masked dissension. Let’s lift each other up to redemption.

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